https://www.wsj.com/articles/ode-to-american-toilet-paper-11586112316
A few weeks into the lockdown, let’s assess where we are. First, we’re all germophobes now. Handshakes are so yesterday. We’re caught up on “Tiger King” episodes on Netflix. We appreciate Amazon same-day delivery now that most orders take a week. We miss sitting in restaurants and milking a table over meaningless conversations. Same for sports, which provided a great background noise to life. Grocery supply chains still seem to work. And given which shelves are bare at Costco and most supermarkets, we see clearly that Americans have a weird fascination with not running out of toilet paper.
This last one should come as no surprise. It’s part of what separates us from the, err, “unwashed” masses. Anyone who has traveled outside the U.S. knows exactly what I’m talking about. I was warned not to shake hands in India.
But why are Americans different? We obsess because, like French wine or Italian coffee, we have the best, so we flaunt it. Be thankful for the glories of two-ply—my kingdom for a 12-pack of 1,000-sheet rolls, still hard to come by. No surprise that in what was definitely not a slow news day on Wednesday, there was national coverage of an overturned 18-wheeler near Dallas because its load of thousands of rolls was burning.
Sure, toilet paper may be controlled by the patriarchy: the Scott brothers, Clarence and Edward, and ol’ Mr. Whipple, who insists that you “don’t squeeze the Charmin!” But once you go two-ply, you can never go back. No wonder Americans hoard.
The first commercial toilet paper was introduced in 1857 by a New Yorker named Joseph Gayetty. It was sold as Gayetty’s Medicated Paper—with aloe. It even had his named embossed on the flat sheets. Rolls were first patented in 1891. By 1935 Northern Tissue started advertising that its toilet paper was “splinter-free”—another reminder that you really didn’t want to be born before then. Two-ply was invented in England in 1942, around the same time as electronic computers.
But take a trip to parts of Europe or Asia or especially South America, and you’ll learn quickly that they’re stuck in the past.
And don’t dare flush it. Oh no. Instead you need to place it into an aptly named wastebasket next to the toilet. Has the rest of the world not discovered 3-inch PVC pipes? Thankfully, even Al Gore’s low-flow toilets didn’t lower the American standard to that of the worthless, underflushing commodes overseas.
The Japanese have tried to finesse the whole toilet-paper thing, and even one-up us. They are rightly proud of their electronic toilets. Toto, which is short for Tōyō Tōki, or “Oriental Ceramics,” was the first to perfect the high-fidelity toilet and, as only the Japanese can, market it nonsensically as “the pursuit of toilet happiness.”
Amazon had a sale years ago and I bought a Toto Washlet add-on. It has lots of buttons and even an LCD remote. I’ll readily admit that I can’t live without it. Our Toto pre-mists, though I’m still not sure what for. It has more warm streams than Netflix and I’ve tried them all—rear, front (OK, just once), oscillate, and my favorite, pulsate. And yes, it has a dryer and seat warmer. With the right reading material, you can spend hours.
But wait a second, I did a little research and it turns out that Toto got into the business as the original Japanese distributor of the Wash Air Seat (the name says it all), invented in 1963 by a Brooklyn entrepreneur, Arnold Cohen. Ha, I knew it. It was good old American ingenuity that Toto copied and then perfected. I’m not complaining; it’s that kind of globalization that saved my marriage, as the Toto closes the seat and lid 30 seconds after use. Brilliant. Kohler and other vendors now have similar features. But, but, but, at the end of the day, none of the waterworks functions can replace toilet paper—not even close.
As usual, American capitalism and competition have kept pushing the state of the toilet paper art and roll toward the future. Forget two-ply! Quilted Northern came out with an Ultra Plush® three-ply: “Three cushiony and absorbent layers,” 100% biodegradable, flushable and septic-safe, and Sustainable Forest Initiative certified! And proving there is no end to American innovation, Quilted Northern is developing a (gasp!) four-ply toilet paper, with megarolls to be sold in a commemorative tin. Now that’s worth hoarding.
